Classic me

Any of you who know me well will not be surprised to read this.  On Tuesday night I received an email from a district simply asking if I was interested in a last minute K-5 librarian position at a school not too far from where I live. In less than 30 seconds I was balling...bauling...bawling(?) my eyes out.  I cried for, I kid you not, FORTY minutes! (Thank goodness Bill was working late and did not have to witness this...outpouring of emotional nonsense.)  I cried simply at the idea of going back to work.  As much as I need to, as much as I've convinced myself that its best, I still shook with misery.  Littleman had only completed two days of Kindergarten and I was kind of getting used to meeting him at the bus stop, having after school snack, and playing with dear little Finny Finn all day long.  

A few days have passed and I have had time to process.  The principal is looking at a stack of potentials - I am in the stack, but who knows if I'll even get a call for an interview...but I am hoping.  I am much calmer now (well, for this ten minutes, anyway).  I do want to work...it it means being able to throw a proper pumpkin party before Liam hits second grade...who knows, maybe even first!

In other, less dramatic but still very exciting news, Liam is a natural ice skater!  Yesterday I took him for his second time in two weeks.  He is AMAZING.  He just takes right off and goes!  He falls, he gets up and keeps on going.  No tears, no drama.  He's a different kid on the ice.  He says he doesn't want lessons.  Here's how that conversation went:

Me: Wouldn't one or two lessons be good? That way we could learn how to stop.

Him: I already know how to stop. I just fall down when I need to...or slam into the wall.

This said as if I were the crazy to think there's any other way.  We'll see.  It's such a positive experience with him.  I think I might take him once a week...and maybe he'll want lessons by Christmas or so....

Also, Liam has also become quite the creative artist.  I admit that it bothered me, just a smidge, that he only drew his happy stick figures - I LOVE his happy people, but he never added to the scene.  Now, however, in just the last few weeks, he's begun to draw rocket ships (pretty good ones!) and grass and flowers and storms and so on.  I don't know why, but this makes me very happy.

Finny Finn has been walking for over a month now and getting into all sorts of trouble.  I'm pretty sure I thought Littleman was the cutest baby, but now I am thinking Finny is the cutest.  Funny how that happens. :)  He loves electrical outlets.  Yep.  Why do my kids have to....make me nuts???? Electrical outlets and dogs.  He goes crazy for either...well, he searches out the first and literally goes ga-ga for the latter.  He recently started saying "La la la la..." I am thinking he is trying to say "Liam." 

We aren't completely weaned, but close.  I rarely nurse him during the day...as a matter of fact...I can't remember the last time I nursed him during the day...sigh....Just early morning...and evening.  But, I am trying to cut out that evening one...eventually I'll have to let someone else put him to bed....right? (Don't answer that - he's my last and I'll take my time if I want to!).  At the library today, at around two in the afternoon, Finn was getting fussy for his nap.  As we were gathering our things he walked up to me and just pulled the front of my tank top down and buried his face in my chest.  Luckily I was facing a wall and I don't think anyone witnessed his lack of impropriety.  Poor little guy.  Otherwise, he seems okay with the weaning.

He's still not very heavy, but he's a full two inches longer than Liam was at this age.  Sadly, the pediatrician has me giving him breathing treatments because she things he may be asthmatic.  Still not sure what to think about this.   Also, still trying to get the insurance to cover some portion of his mega expensive formula.  

Looks like my free time is up.  Baby's stirring and big brother's aching desperately for some attention.

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Big Days...

Finn's first birthday, his baptism, and Liam's first day of school! Whew!  Just posting pics for now.

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Here are some baptism pics.  Sadly, in all the hub-bub we never got a pic of Finn with his godparents, Aunt Jen and Uncle Dave.  We will see them soon and correct this.  The service was at 8:30 in the morning - we were all barely awake....

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Off to school! The bus came nearly ten minutes early.  Liam, Finn, and I had to run, uphill, to catch it.  Luckily, Liam thought this was exciting and boarded the bus with no problem.  Bill and I met him at the school to walk him to class, where he easily found his cubby and his seat.  Turns out the little boy sitting across from him is on his bus and lives a few streets over from us.  They moved in three weeks ago.  That should be nice. :)  Here's hoping for a good year.

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It's finally my turn...

To lose sleep with knots of anxiety about my little baby going to kindergarten.  I can't believe I am up right now.

Tonight was "meet the teacher."  She seems nice.  I hope she makes learning super fun for my boy.  The classroom is beautiful, sparkling and new.  All of Littleman's supplies are neatly stacked in his cubby. He was excited to be in his room and wandered from my side to explore without any hesitation.  Our pantry is stocked with snacks and juice boxes.  New clothes are washed and put away.  All that is set.

But I am fretting over a million details - all the unknown variables that begin on Monday morning.  I am concerned that the bus stop is up the hill, out of view from my house, with construction sites and empty lots with no sidewalks....I need to call about that in the morning.  That's just not safe.  I am terrified of putting Liam on the bus...I know he'll get on it and probably enjoy the ride...I hope he gets to sit with one of our neighbors.  But what about when it gets to the school?  It's not like in NY (where I taught) and the kids get to do a practice run with parents a day to two before Kindergarten.  He's just supposed to get on that bus and go...Will he be afraid to get off the bus?  Will he know where to go? Will he be brave?  Will he sit paralyzed? Will he cry?  Will some part of him know mommy is rooting for him all the way?

I remember the cold sweat of uncertainty that accompanied me so many mornings on my way to a new school.  The pit in my stomach.  I made it...so will he...but MAN, I do not like thinking about it.  Seriously, all mommies go through this?????  What cruel torture.  

I know he'll be fine once he gets to the classroom.  And after the first two days I imagine all will be well. However, will I get any sleep until then? I think not.

Thankfully, I recently discovered the free Kindle app for my iPod Touch.  It's amazing. Just finished The Hunger Games, onto Catching Fire...I think that's the next one...yipee for sleepless nights and little ones.  

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Amber's Cupcakes

Cupcake

Technically you are looking at cruddy, from a box, Pillsbury cupcakes topped with Amber's amazing, decadent, most delicious, truffle-like, chocolate frosting.  Really, the cupcakes don't deserve such a topping.  However, I had to make Finny Finn's gluten/dairy/egg/everything free cupcakes from scratch and there's only so many hours in a day. This post is only sort of about Amber's amazing cupcakes.

Let me start with a little history.  If you hadn't guessed this about me yet, allow me to reveal that I have a very active imagination.  Always have.  I ran up from dark basements afraid of what might be hiding in the corners my entire childhood.  As a teenager, I ran up the dark driveway after taking the garbage out..not even sure what I was afraid of!  The plus side to this imagination, though, is that I have always been able to meditate or visualize easily.  So, whenever I've had trouble sleeping or I'm stressed I imagine myself on the beach.  The sand, the waves, the wind, all are very calming and soothing.  They remind me of summers on the shore with my brother.  It always puts me at ease.  I have literally used this specific visualization for over a decade, most recently when they were administering my spinal block for Finn's delivery.

But, a crazy thing happened two nights ago.  For some inexplicable reason, as I lay down to sleep, my mind was bombarded with images from some really lame Patricia Cornwall murder/mystery I read ages ago.  Naturally, I couldn't remember any of the positive details, like how it ended or the love interests.  Instead, my head was full of crime scenes and suspenseful stalking episodes.  The images were beginning to escalate - I don't know why my brain works like this - thoughts start to snowball.  Anyway, I could tell I would be up all night if I didn't nip my imagination quickly.  Normally, I would conjure up my beach scene, but instead, my head was filled with Amber's amazing cupcakes.

Now, I know what most of you are thinking.  Typical B, right? Conjuring up a sweet treat she loves to eat.  Classic.  But Amber's cupcakes are more than just delicious, they are filled with all kinds of love.  Amber loves to bake and cook, and she is really good at it, so it's no surprise that her results taste just so.  But, and this is paramount, Amber is filled with love and she so generously shares it with all the people around her, and let me tell you, it makes her cupcakes, braises, short ribs, and so on, taste that much better. 

My mind filling up with Amber's cupcakes was filled with warmth.  It was like having a nice little brain hug, warding off all the nasty thoughts, the way chocolate melting on your tongue makes any other taste disappear.  All you are left with is happiness and yum.

I am so lucky to have a friend like this.  And not to leave anyone out, I am so lucky to have the friends I have.  Each of you is amazing and awesome in your own special way and I am so grateful for each and every one of you.  On a final note, I truly hope to learn how to replicate Amber's amazing frosting (I'll shoot for the cupcake, too, eventually. One step at a time...).  I want every one I know to have a chance to fall asleep with that amazing taste melting away either in their head or on their tongue. Mmmmmmm.......

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To work or not to work...

Is not really an option or a question at this point.

A couple of months ago if you asked me what I thought about going back to work I would have responded with, "Ideally in a couple of years."  Sadly, after the last month with Littleman, I am convinced that I will be a better mom if I am working in a library or professional atmosphere again.  I think I am at my best when I am very, very busy. But, even more sadly, we simply cannot afford for me to stay home anymore.  

Yes, Texas is supposed to be cheaper.  But, traveling multiple times a year to visit family is very costly, even when my parents help me with airfare.  It does not help having this super nice house - Papabear insists it will be a better investment/easier to sell in the long run, so I have to trust in that...but we are slaves to our mortgage...exactly what I had hoped to avoid...ug.  Me and my lack of a spine.  OH, and medical bills.  I hate Texas for this one thing alone.  I am still paying for Finn's birth AND, just when I thought we were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, we get a bill for the emergency room visit in NJ - apparently we have a $1500 deductible for ER visits. Triple ug.  All that said, the bills are piling up and I need to get my butt back on the work wagon.  

It isn't as bad as you think.  I am actually excited about getting back to work.  Getting paid again.  Getting paid means paying off our dumb debt.  It means moving back to NY sooner rather than later.  It means...a lot of things.

This would not bum me out so much if Finn didn't have such severe allergies.  Finding adequate day care is going to be a real challenge...however, finding a job, five months AFTER school districts have posted and hired for the upcoming school year, is proving to be the REAL challenge.

I am an idiot.  Five months ago, though, we were just learning of Finn's allergies and there was no way in the world I could think about going back to work.  A few months later, things seemed so much more manageable.  So here I sit.  School starts in 19 days.  There are currently NO open library positions.  I am applying for all sorts of nonsense...I have no idea if we can even pull off a day care situation if the job is only part time....so, so, so many factors.

And, as much as I want a job, I don't want to be working the first week of school, because Littleman starts kindergarten. I want to be there when he gets off the bus that first day, with hugs and fresh baked cookies (why there has to be fresh baked cookies in all of my visions, I don't know, clearly it will be my demise).  I want to go to the "Welcome Coffee" on that first morning, even though I know it will be just like middle school and I won't fit in with any of the other moms.  I want to be there.  There are bits of this stay-at-home-mom gig that I really like.  Being there is one of them.

But after that first week, I'd like to go back to work, full time.  Making enough money to put Finn in an awesome day care and enough left over to get our affairs in order.  I would like that job to be at Ichabod Crane, back in NY...and since I'm dreaming, I'd like there to be a cleaning lady once a week.  But, I'd be more than happy to check out the school library scene out here...oy.  I am such a dreamer.

If I don't get a job, don't get me wrong.  I will LOVE and embrace every single extra second I get with my little Finny Finn.  And, I have a feeling that things will Littleman will settle once he's exhausted and stimulated from the every day madness that kindergarten is.

I am rambling.  At this moment I have multiple web pages open to online applications and I needed a break.  If any one reading this knows of a job, please get in touch.  I can do a lot of things.  I can even do some of them well!  

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