Things I Hate to Admit...

Yeah, so this is going to be one of those vent-type posts, so go ahead and skip it if you're not in the mood.  There are some lovely pictures below from my previous post.

I hate to admit:

-that I have kept my size 8 and size 6 Ann Taylor skirts this long.  What on earth was I thinking??? Did I really believe I would ever fit into those adorable skirts again? I filled THREE ginormous garbage bags with clothes and shoes two days ago.  I literally tried on every top and most of the pants/skirts I could just toss in the good-will pile.  I do plan to lost weight (when have I not?), but let's be realistic.  Size 6??? I don't think so.  I'll be happy with 10 - thrilled.  Which leads me to...

-my relationship with food continues to be the worst one in my life.  I am happy to report that I have pretty healthy relationships with my parents, siblings, and friends, but food? No.  Which leads me to...

-being a stay at home mom has made me lazy.  It's an embarrassing and ugly truth I really don't like to face.  When I was working I was my best self.  I seemed to manage so much more AND keep the house clean (relatively).  I am home all day and my house is a mess, I hardly ever exercise, and what is my excuse???  I haven't taught Liam to read or even add - what am I doing with all this time? This gift?  Facebooking? It disgusts me that I let myself get like this. 

-Finn is weaning himself.  What I hate about it is that it feels completely natural.  He's happy and growing.  I've been giving him formula to get him fatter and used to it (he inevitably needed to be on it by one-ish anyway).  I imagined that weaning was going to be this painful process for him, that he'd be crying and begging for my boob.  I didn't realize, since this is my first time, that he would just decide that he was done with me.  He nurses like a champ first thing in the morning, thank goodness for that - our special time before anyone else is up.  But, during the day he can't be bothered with being all cuddled up and close to me - the world is just too exciting.  I can't blame him, it is pretty cool out here.  The evening "nursing" is a bit more problematic.  I had let him nurse to sleep while we were traveling - but that is not a habit I want him to get used to...SO, I have to cut the "falling asleep on mommy" thing...even though I love it so....Well, it's been a beautiful 10 and a half months.  I will offer myself to him as long as he'll take me (well, up to a point, of course), but it seems as though he is moving on. :(

-It irks me that I might be a better librarian than parent.  I mean, on a full time basis.  I know I am a good parent, but I might be a better one if I spend a few hours being professional me, rather than mommy all day long.  Liam is SO emotional...I can only think that he is this way b/c he spends all his waking hours with me.  What have I done to that poor boy?  Oy.  I pray that kindergarten will help.....

I thought I had more to complain about...but it seems as though the well has run dry.  I hope I am not coming off as unhappy.  I am.  I just have a lot on my mind...and it feels good to get it out.  (I hate to admit that I don't really write in my journal anymore.  It is so much more satisfying to know a couple of people might read my thoughts and comment and or give me a call to discuss....) Kind of pathetic...and kind of not.

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Our trip back East...

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Highlights from our trip:

Lovely Sea Bright. Both boys love the ocean.  It was pretty chilly - I can't believe Finn didn't cry when we put his feet in the water.  They loved it.

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Off to NYC to visit Aunt Lauren at Columbia.  We rode the subway, ate at a fancy restaurant, and visited FAO Schwarz.  I will NOT ride the subway at rush hour with a stroller ever again.

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oh...and yeah, perfect time to forget to put shoes and socks on my baby - riding the super clean subways of new york...

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People, I don't know if I've said this before, but my mom is gorgeous.  She may smoke and drink more coffee than most people I know, but it doesn't seem to phase her in a negative way.  She exercises, spends as much time outdoors as possible, and, I can see this now, truly loves her life.  And so, it shows all over, don't you think?  I hope she doesn't mind me posting this, but she turned 59 two weeks ago!  I can only hope to be this healthy and happy in twenty or so years.

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Cousin Asher comes over to swim!

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Here's some eye candy. My mom all decked out for a dinner...not with me and the kids, of course!

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Uncle Chuckie teaches Liam about American Indians...

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Reunited with our best buds upstate.

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It was like these two peas in a pod were never apart!

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Hiking with Finny-Finn.

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Auntie Maya takes a turn with Finn and her handsome Loup.

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Liam gets some fishing lessons with Uncle Chuckie.

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There's Maya again, on the other side of the lake! We were in the row boat.

 

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Life or death...

A dramatic title for a dramatic 24 hours.  Yesterday was turning out to be a pretty awesome day.  My mom had planned this big bbq/b-day celebration for her and Liam's birthdays.  All the family had arrived, cousins from Philly, all my east coast siblings and their significant others, neighbors...I had baked cookies AND brownies, the salads were chilling in the fridge, the meat was ready for the grill, all of us had dipped in the pool...Little Finn began fussing around dinner time and I gave him a cracker.  A cracker I believed to be safe.  Long story short, it was not.  Within minutes his entire face was covered with hives.

As per our medical emergency action plan, I gave him his full dose of benedryl and watched him for ten minutes.  As I fretted, my stepdad (a surgeon) called another cousin (an ER pediatrician in NYC) and concluded that we should go to the ER.  Just as we were getting into the car and ten minutes had passed, it was clear that Finn was getting worse and not better.  I had the EpiPen at the ready, but since we were headed to the hospital (and there wasn't any respiratory distress) we decided it would be best for the ER docs to treat him.

To get to our local hospital one must cross a quarter mile long, two lane bridge (one way in each direction).  This bridge is also one of the main ways to the beach, and at 6:15 pm on a warm Saturday night in June, it was completely backed up with traffic.  As Finn's lips started to swell and his eyes refused to stay open (partially from the swelling, partially from the benedryl) my stepdad took it into high gear.  He drove right into the oncoming lane, hammered the horn and held his police surgeon's badge out the window.  I could not watch - there were cars coming straight for us and not much room on the bridge.  Somehow, cars moved over enough for us to get by.  Once on the other side, every light was red, and he went through every single one. Had anyone else driven us, it would have taken 45 minutes - but thanks to my stepdad, we were there in 10.  And, even though I could not watch most of the drive, and there were tears streaming down my face onto Finn's red swelling cheeks, I was not scared.  David was sure and steady...and perhaps a little crazy, but I could sense his control of the situation and it got us to the hospital in one piece and I was not hysterical (that would come later).

In case you are not aware, if you walk into an ER with a slack baby and say "anaphylactic," things happen very quickly.  David was held back to fill out our names, but Finn and I were taken immediately to a pediatric wing of their emergency room. Literally within five minutes they had an IV in Finn and were pushing meds (more benedryl and steroids).  And, like last time, within another five minutes all of the really scary swelling was gone.  It took about an hour for the hives that had spread to his belly and arms to go away.  They kept us there for observation for a few hours.  The nurses and the PA that treated us were amazing.  We were sent home with a prescription for steroids and instructions to give benedryl every six or so hours for a couple of day.

My brother, Chuckie, came to pick us up (David had to go back and grill dinner for the house full of guests once Finn was stable).  Every one had waited for us to sing happy birthday to Liam and my mom, so we didn't even miss the cake. Although, I was so, so, SO wasted and drained from the experience I can't remember much.  I DO remember ALL of my siblings, and my mom staying up until midnight with me when I had to give Finn another dose of benedryl.  

So, rewind a tad.  After Finn was stable and I was alone in the room with him sleeping on my shoulder, I did lose it.  I hated myself for giving him that stupid cracker.  My mom had made a special bowl of chips specifically for me and Finn - and I, thinking I knew what was in the crackers in another bowl - let him eat one.  How frustrating!  I am so meticulous about all the things I eat and making kids wash their hands before touching him, and here I go and give him a cracker made with milk.  MILK! Of all things!  I know I am not perfect, and in all honesty, I am glad it was me and not some poor, unsuspecting sibling or friend of the family that gave him the contraband.  Finn will be mobile in a matter of months and keeping him from putting things in his mouth that might kill him will be an every day challenge.  Still, I cried a good cry, called some peeps to boost my spirits, and let it go.  What else can I do? (Other than NEVER give him stupid crackers again!)

Oy.  After the midnight dose, I kept Finn in bed with me so I could listen to him breathe for the rest of the night.  He, of course, is fine.  Completely fine.  As a matter of fact, today he figured out how to quasi-crawl.  He kind of drags his butt a little, but, pulling with his arms, has figured out how to move himself along.  What a guy.

Well, that's the gist of our life or death adventure.  Otherwise, we are having a really great time.  Seeing family, going to the beach, Manhattan, and so on...

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Sunny days...

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Summer begins...

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My mom just spent a week with us and it was wonderful.  Liam is so completely and utterly in love with her.  When she is here she spends nearly every waking moment with him.  She takes him running, she buys him things he is totally into, she gets on the floor and plays the games he wants to play...She has totally embraced grandmother-hood and you can see how good she is at when you hear Liam talk about his Mormor.  He cried last night because he knew she was leaving today (even though we are going to be in NJ with her in less than a week!). 

In addition to loving Liam, she is wonderful with Finn.  After we witnessed how the new vitamins Finn was taking affected his poor little bowels, she spent hours roasting and pureeing a stew that will give him the iron and many of the vitamins he needs, as well as protein and hair on his chest!  She was amazing at knowing when to step back and just let me and Finn do our thing, and when to jump in and hold him so I could make dinner or take a shower. 

I would say this might have been one of the best weeks I have ever spent with my mother.  I am finally over all of my nonsense and she is in a place where we can just be together. (Okay, I diverged for a few moments and we had a dumb little "tiff" - entirely my fault, and she had the grace to let it go....well, I am the younger one...) Still, it was a great week and I am really looking forward to going to NJ next week.  Here are some highlights of the week:

Liam's 5th bday party - he turns five on June 1st.  I can't believe it.  He was so excited at his party that he puked water and pink marshmallows - and then burst into tears, crying, "Does this mean I can't have any cake???"  Once I assured him that he could have cake, he regained his color and ran off with his friends.  I think the heat and excitement got to him.  We were at a park, it was 90+ degrees...I sewed capes for all his little super hero friends.  It was a lot of work, and even though it was fun, I will never have a party like that again (I see you rolling your eyes - well, for NOW, I'm not thinking of ever having a party like that again).

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Here we are in Fort Worth about to watch the longhorns walk down the street.

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I know, Liam needs a haircut.  Now for some really cute photos of the Finn-ster.  Man, this baby just gets cuter every day.  He's waving and nearly clapping.  He's getting up on all fours and going to crawl any day.  He pulls himself up to standing.  He cracks up.  He worships Liam and lights up every time he sees a dog.  I am told by his pediatrician that he needs to gain more weight...and I am working on it.  I can't bear the thought of weaning him, so I am stuffing him with my mom's stew and making his cereal with formula.  I also put formula in a cup for him at mealtime...he's not totally into that, but...whatever I can do to beef him up...anyway, enjoy these:

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ew...my arms are chubbier than i thought...ug.moving right along....

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*sigh* Man, I love my boys.  They are so cute and lovable...Tonight I went to visit a friend who had a little boy on Monday.  I cried when I held her little Callum.  What a perfect miracle. What a sweet, darling little baby boy.  How amazing it is that we are given the opportunity to make precious little people and love them with all our hearts.  How is it that I should only have two?  Or, more accurately, how is it that something as cold as money should determine how many babies I can bring into this world?  In my heart, I know there is room to love at the very least one more...but my practical brain knows that two is gift enough.  Two is a financial burden that is bearable.  Two means we can probably go on vacation once a year (one day, anyway).  Two.  One, two.  And there's that.                 For now.

Are you wondering how Papabear is doing?  Well, he's great.  He loves his job.  He loves the daily challenges that walk through the door, figuring out a diagnosis and fixing people as best he can.  He loves me.  He has spent the last few months working out loans and figures and whatnot so that we could sell my Subaru and acquire a bigger car. (It was getting tight in the backseat now that Finn is out of the carrier.)  If all goes well, I will be driving a new PathFinder tomorrow and our total monthly car payments will be DOWN by nearly a hundred bucks! (which will be good b/c I am sure the pathfinder will guzzle more gas...)  Anyway, Bill is getting to a good place.  He has been opening up and talking more.  We have finally made a realistic plan for the next two years to get us where we want to be.  And it is all good.  Things have been rough the last bunch of years, especially for Bill.  I think he finally sees the light at the end of the tunnel - and me and Liam and Finn are standing there with balloons dancing to our favorite band (Sloan, in case you didn't know).

And finally, I have lost only 8 pounds since I elminated wheat, eggs, dairy, peanuts, and some soy from my diet.  I have recently started a new exercise routine and I feel very good.  I wish french fries were restricted...but alas, there will always be something to thwart my weight loss...still, I AM losing, ever so slowly.  But more importantly, I am lowering my cholesterol and overall, feeling wonderful.

Had enough yet?  I hope so, I am tired.

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all i can say...

is easterly winds are a-blowing....

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My new haircut

So, I tried to get my new haircut in this video.  I also tried to get Finn to wave.  I swear every time we go in front of this mirror he waves at himself...EXCEPT the time I have the camera on!

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So little time...

One day I really will make an effort to write more.  For now I am focused on getting my body back in shape and loving on my little boys...oh, on the big one, too...but honestly, I'm really too tired for him these days. ;-)

Please enjoy this video of Finny Finn in the tub being just as cute as can be. It's just over a minute long.  He's become quite a vocal baby...kind of have to be to survive in this family!

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This next video is about a minute and a half long.  I made a "practice pinata" for Littleman's upcoming birthday party.  I am glad I made a practice one, as you will soon see why.  I used plaster instead of paper mache...and well...as awesome as the spiderman head came out, it never opened, no matter how hard he smashed it.  It was fun, though.  Next one will be paper mache.

Practice

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