Truly pathetic

I am starving...and only because I am eating like a normal person should. It is truly pathetic.

And...that's all there really is to say about that.

What's in your hamper?

Well, while transferring dirty clothes from hamper to laundry basket I found:
-a pair of sandals
-one black shoe (which is perfect for when I want to wear it with one brown shoe...)
-a blue matchbox car
-a yellow pacifier

Hmmmm, I wonder how these things got here????? My littlest one is squirrel, I swear it!

Trouble posting pics

I can't seem to get text above the picture at the beginning of the post. However, it looks like I may have figured out the rest. Here are some pics I've really wanted to share. Above, the amazingly cute sweet pea, Finny Fin.
Behold, your favorite Viking Mama.

Below is one of the most awesome things that has ever happened to me. Yeah, yeah, I am easily pleased, so don't get your hopes up. A friend of mine back east, sent Finn and Liam each, their own box of upstate NY leaves!!!!!! We made a big pile and played with them for days! We got out the rake and literally took turns - even some neighbors came over to enjoy the fun.

Do you remember 4 months ago?

If you are a busy mom, probably not. Four months ago was July - the dead of summer. If you recall, I was posting about being a terrible parent and how awful things were with Liam. And now, four months later, two and half months into kindergarten, things are significantly different. I am definitely not having the same problems with my little man. No more tantrums. We still have problems - attitude, disrespectful talking back - that sort of thing. Nothing outlandish, nothing that makes me feel like my world is crumbling, just your usual, run of the mill parenting challenges between mom and five-year-old son.

I find it really important to write this down, to remember this time when Liam is excited about his chores chart, actually trying to control his temper and please his parents, because I know it is all cyclical. Four months ago I was sure we were headed to a behavioral therapist. Today...I think we are okay. And that is how it goes, right? Drama, not drama, good days, bad days, nightmares, heavenly moments and so the kaleidoscope spins.

Yesterday two amazing things happened. One was something I have dreamed about for ages. A thing I have written down on a secret list in my brain titled, "things I want to accomplish before I die." Yeah, one of those happened yesterday. I was babysitting, so I had a back yard full of boys. They were all in the "clubhouse" portion of the swing set, decorating it with sidewalk chalk. I walked over and placed a plate of fresh out of the oven chocolate chip cookies before them. As I walked back to the house, I could hear Liam squealing, giggling, bursting - because after-school snack usually consists of cheez-its or grapes. I also heard the older boys "oooo"-ing over the deliciousness. It made my heart soar.

I know, Bill rolled his eyes, too. But, I always wanted to be that mom with the backyard full of kids and offering a plate of amazing home made cookies. And yesterday I was. Today, back to grapes.

The second amazing thing: Liam finally figured out how to pump himself on the swings!!!!! It's amazing how long this takes. I think it's been at least a YEAR of saying, "kick IN aaaannnndddd OUT! Lean back, feet to the sky..." And one day they just GET IT. YAY!

Further updates:

-My Silly Trolls "business" is doing great. I've had enough interest to open it up to two days and I haven't even advertised yet. If you don't know what I am talking about, check out the website: www.wix.com/sillytrolls/sillytrolls

-Finny Finn is marvelous. Walking, climbing, getting into everything, sweet as sweet can be. Clever, too. Unfortunately, still obsessed with my chest - pretty much has his hand down my shirt at all times. It was cute...for a while. I'm pretty much over it, I wish he was.

-Bill - working hard. Doing his best. Spent two hours waxing his MiniCooper today...oy. But, the man's gotta have his man time. He still made time to make me lunch and take Finn out of the house for two hours so I could run my Silly Trolls session. So, I'm not complaining.

All in all, things are good today. Really good.

High Alert

So, I just got home from a birthday party...where do I begin? Well, let me start with: It was wonderful. One of Liam's best pals turned six, there was an enormous bounce house, sunshine, lots of people we knew, pizza, cake, the works. All in all, it was a perfect party. So why am I home, a full hour (or even two) earlier than I normally would be? (We usually hang out for hours after the party is over...) Why are my nerves all wound up in a tight little ball? Why do I feel like I've been run over by a freight train? One little word:

Finn

My darling, adorable, sweet little Finn. He was an angel; he was his usual charming, silly, cute little self - climbing, walking, running, jumping, digging, etc, through a sea of pizza and cake - both potential trips to the emergency room if he ingests any. So there I was, trying my best to chat with my friends and all the other nice new people at the party...but all the while, my senses were on high "Finn-Food" alert.

I am fully aware that most moms are not 100% present when trying to converse at a party while their little ones engage in all sorts of potentially harmful activities. The bounce house, the woods, the trampoline are cause for most parents to be on some sort of "alert" mode. However, Finn's food allergies throw me into a tizzy...all the while, I am doing my best to put on my cool face, my "I'm-not-freaking-out-that-my-allergy-child-is-hovering-next-to-your-pizza-eating-child" face. It sucks. It really does.

And I really hated leaving my friends today on this beautiful, celebratory day. But, after two hours of chasing after Finn, discreetly picking up after other kids (so as not to make any one feel like I'm some anal neat freak, just trying to keep the potential cheese contact at a minimum), I was exhausted, completely spent.

I know I might be a little extremist in my ways...but really - do I want to be THAT mom - the one who's child dies or whatever from an allergy attack? That statement seems so extreme...but if you saw how Finn's face swelled up ten minutes after that cracker this summer, you might not think so. And in all honesty, we simply cannot afford another trip to the ER. Even though we reached our ER deductible for the year, 20% of $2900 is more than I have to spare right now. (Stupid Texas health care...don't get me started on that....)

Well, I am home now, the safest place for Finn...when Liam hasn't left a yogurt on the table Finn can now reach, or we haven't missed a dropped crust of bread. I've had my diet coke and now I am waiting for Bill to get home from work so he can cook dinner and my nerves can unwind themselves from the knot they have gotten into...

Does this stuff only happen to me???

I left my house with ample time to pick up my neighbor's son from preschool. As I drove over, out of nowhere, I doubled over with sharp, stabbing stomach cramps. They were so bad I wasn't sure if I was going to make it to the school. However, I pulled into the parking lot eight minutes ahead of schedule.

Finn was asleep in the back. He hadn't napped all day, so he was out cold. I thought I could wait the cramps out in the comfort of my car, but as the sweat began to build up on my forehead and under my arms, it became alarming clear that waiting was not going to be an option. As a matter of fact, I was seriously regretting the two minutes I'd already spent in the parking lot. What to do...what to do???? I had no time to unfold the stroller, walk up to the building, ride the elevator to the nearest bathroom (and the only one I know how to find at the enormous facility). I just wasn't going to make it.

So, I did the only thing I could. I swiftly unbuckled Finn, cradled him as gently as possible over my shoulder, shoved my keys in my pocket, and tried not to run. Clenching my one free fist, begging the sweet powers that be to "please, PLEASE let me make it," I marched passed all the mommies and care givers.

Thankfully, the upstairs bathroom that I know about is mercifully not a commonly used one. And I am not going to paint the entire picture, because, it just wouldn't be lady like, but I will present you with this: there I was, in a public (but clean) stall, holding twenty pounds of nearly unconscious one-year-old, experiencing wave after wave of...well...unpleasantness...thinking, "boy, this sure would make a good blog post." I also thought, "I should have told someone at the front that I was at least here, in the building. " But mostly, I was thinking about how times like this were meant to be written down. Why? I am not sure. Anyway, I digress...

Luckily, the...unpleasantness only lasted a couple of minutes. However, when you are in that sort of moment, every second feels like an eternity. Flushing was awesome. That's a really special way to wake a sleeping baby. Poor little guy. I was able to wash my hands and pick up my neighbor's son right at pick up time. So, it all worked out. I am home now, the kids are playing and my cramps are...at bay for the moment.

So, seriously, please tell me I'm not the only mom who has been forced to hold their sleeping baby while the are stricken with "unpleasantness" in a public place!

Modeling

What kind of model are you? Do you model in a room in front of 20 or so children? Do you model behind a desk in a building full of books? Do you model in front of cameras in your underwear? I model. I have a full time career in modeling. I used to get paid for it, when it was in front of a classroom or in a library, but now I'm pro bono.

And let me tell you, it is exhausting. I feel like I am living under a microscope sometimes. At the park yesterday, when I told Liam it was time to go, he frowned and shouted, "Damn!" Now, he did not learn that one from me - that's his dad's modeling (and he was scolded appropriately). But, I see and hear ME coming out of that little boy all day long. From the anal way he lines up his Legos, the way he snaps at me when I ask him to hang up his bath towel, to the nearly ritualistic bedtime routine, that boy is my little parrot.

I am proud when I see the way he hugs his little brother...OR, even better, when, at that same park, Liam said, "HEY! That's my little brother, be nice!" to a boy who knocked Finn over by the swings. I am proud when he emerges from his room in the morning, fully dressed, teeth and hair brushed, ready to face whatever the day brings.

And I sink with shame when I hear him whine in the same way I tend to do or when he curtly responds to one of my friends for no good reason (in a way I respond to him when I am flustered, or in a rush, or just not in the mood).

I know we can't be perfect. That's ridiculous. And it is unnerving to think that our children are watching our every move, taking it all in, processing it. But the truth is, they are. It's exactly why most of have that "oh shit, did I just sound like my mother/father" moment. Inevitably, we inherit the traits and behaviors we were raised with and at some point, hopefully sooner than later, we can put it all into perspective and be the best combination of our parents and ourselves.

For instance, I sure am glad we ate dessert every night when I was a kid. Ha ha. As much as I love dessert, I really wish that hadn't been a part of my childhood. It is ingrained in me and I have ingrained it in my kids. But, I have added reading together every night and that makes me feel good. It's kind of a silly example, but you get the idea.

I needed to write this tonight. Sometimes I am painfully aware that I am my child's most important teacher...and sometimes I plain forget. I don't want to always be living in "modeling-mode", and writing this helps me to figure out a way to balance being the best role model to my boys, the best parent a human can be, and just being me. We are only human...and I'll let you know how it goes with the whole 'balancing' thing.