No news is...

So they say "no news is good news," I guess. In my case, I WANT some news. News that involves a certain house being sold. At the moment we have an "interested buyer." No offer, though, so it's really not much. (Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for just that.)

I am a pendulum. A see-saw. Sweet and sour chicken.

Moving back to NY, just thinking of it, brings tears of happiness to my eyes. And leaving behind the wonderful people here, stings those very same eyes.

Being in NY means I will have to work...most likely full-time...that is, of course, if there are any positions to be had. Which means my little, allergy-full, Finny Finn will have to go to day care. I have barricaded my mind from most of the upcoming stresses, but this one manages to leak through on a regular basis. If you talk to me, I will tell you I am freaked out about that lone cheesy cracker on the floor the care giver will have missed...but I am going to let you in on a little secret. That isn't what's at the heart of my distress. At the heart...is knowing that I will no longer spend every minute with that beautiful little baby boy. Some other lucky person I hardly know will get to bask in his laughter, sweet gestures, and attempts to help with a broom.

Ahhh, (big sigh) I know. Every working mama knows how this feels. I feel so, so, so, so, so, so, so lucky for the last three years I have had with Liam and Finn. Such a gift, a true treasure, to be given this time. I wouldn't trade it for the world. But, it does tell you how badly I want to be back east...that I'd give up this life. (Truth be told, I'd have to go back to work here, too...pretty soon. Financially, one working parent just isn't cutting it for us. Still...) Anyway, I lament going back to work as much as I lament putting Finn in an environment filled with milk, peanut butter, crackers, and kids....

And the flip side of that - we'll be in ancient mountains and valleys, surrounded by thousands of trees that have been breathing for decades and centuries. We will fish, walk the hills, climb, skip stones in the lake. (Basically, we'll magically turn into Native Americans...sorry, this little paragraph had that kind of feel to it. My point, though, is that we'll be living in nature again, as opposed to the suburban sprawl that currently surrounds us.)

In other news, I miss writing. I miss it so much. I barely even blog these days. What am I doing with all this time??? (Oh, right, basking in Finn and Liam....) I am going to try and give myself some writing assignments. Feel free to suggest one or two or seven. I work better with deadlines and criteria. (I am so anal, it hurts.) Just writing this little entry makes me feel...right with the world. I need to write. Must write. Anyone want to pay me to write? That would be cool. :p

Other updates, in case you are curious or haven't heard:

-Finn is 19 months old. He does not really talk - he jibber-jabbers all day long and says, "Da-da," like it's his job, but he really does not have what the pediatrician says is the "typical" number of words for a child his age. I don't really care. Even though Liam was speaking in three word sentences at this age, I am not concerned. All in good time, I say. He recently added, "uh-oh" and a garbled sort of "gotcha!" to his vocabulary. (And the latter really just sounds like a fast da-da.) Oh, he says "caw-caw" when we see birds and he pants for dogs. So, see? It's all good.

-Not that you care, but his favorite books are: Machines at Work, by Byron Barton and Bear About Town, by Stella Blackstone. He also quite fond of a "Wheels on the Bus" book we have with pop-ups and movable parts.

-Much to my disgrace, Finn's favorite songs to listen to in the car are: Justin Bieber's "Baby Baby," and Black Eyed Peas' "Boom Boom Pow," and "I Gotta Feeling." It's my own fault for allowing it at all...but it's fun. We also rock out to Rhianna, Britney, Beyonce, Sloan, The Beatles, Fiona Apple, ...yeah, it's a messed up playlist, but it's fun. You know, Liam is in a hip-hop class, so he needs music with a beat.

Well, that's enough with the rambling. Liam is awesome. He's got my stubborn attitude thing going - which I am constantly on him about. Otherwise, he's pretty polite, silly, and, you know, all the wonderful things I have been extolling for the last...er...almost SIX years! (Yeah, two months and the boy will be SIX! Yow.)

Mother Earth and Copy Cats

I am a copy cat. My best friend is always ten steps ahead of me...well...technically, she's typically 9 months or so ahead of me. Anyway, she stumbled upon some of her poetry from high school and decided to post some on her blog. This move has inspired me to dig up some old poetry to post, because, well, as I stated just a moment ago, I am a copy cat. I, however, might add some new poetry...or blatherings, because that's how I roll.

Sadly, because I am in the midst of packing, I could only locate some poems from college, 1995, to be exact. I was 20 years old.

Unlike Myself

A small piece of paper,

has

been ripped

to shreds.

In the fists of a small child,

the shreds

have been

cast into

the sea.

There they float

and scatter

and land

all around

me.

No

you cannot picture a place

because there isn't one.

You cannot see the person

because she is not there.

And you cannot read this poem

because, unlike myself,

you are not here.

Hmmm, what was that about? I'll never remember...my room mate had introduced me to wine around the time I wrote this. I know - yes, I drank wine, BRIEFLY. It was from a local vineyard in Fredonia...and...well...I was 20 -I'd drink anything I could get my hands on.

And here are my current, up to date musings on Mother Earth.

Listen

Mother Earth speaks to me.

I know you are not surprised.

I am silly like that,

letting the earth talk to me

and assuming she's motherly.

Mother Earth speaks to me...

from a tree on a hill over looking a lake

she whispers...."come home"

from the breeze on the trees, the first butterfly I've seen

she whispers.... "come play"

from a place deep in my womb, still warm with life

she whispers....

What it all boils down to...

The big question everybody has been asking me is, why do you want to leave Texas?

Well, for the record, we never came here to stay. It was always temporary. I never, ever dreamed I would make a family here like I did. I never imagined the amazing kinds of people I would meet and want to have close to me forever. Needless to say, Texas was just something we had to do. We are glad we did, we will never regret the choice to come out here.

That said, it's been hard explaining to people why we need to leave. I don't have a bad life here, at all. Economically, for us, Texas is cheaper than NY. I often say it's because Bill isn't happy - all he does here is work. And while that is true, it's not the whole picture.

And it's not just to get back to the amazing family I made for myself in that wonderful little place I called home in upstate NY. Oh, believe me, it's a BIG, BIG part. Enormous. But they, too, are just part of the big picture.

While in the shower just now, it came to me, what the big question all boils down to. And here it is: When I ask my boys, "Which park do you want to go to today?" I DON'T want the response to be, "The one by the McDonald's that has a rocket ship playground." I want it to be more like, "The one with the tree that looks like a scarecrow when it's leaves fall off," or "The one with the lake that's shaped like Mickey Mouse's head." Also, I really want to ask them, "Which mountain should we climb this weekend?"

(For my Texas readers, where I come from in upstate NY, the mountains are very, very old and not very big...not most of them, anyway. Many can be "climbed" (walked/hiked) in an afternoon.) Oh man...I miss them so much....

I digress.

So there it is. I know I have not written much lately. Life is a bit of a whirlwind just now. Balancing out financial ruin against spiritual happiness isn't as easy as it sounds. I will fill you in as thing progress. For now, all I can say is, let happiness prevail!!!!!

need i say more?

One of my baby brothers with my baby. *sigh* His visit was long and wonderful and I am very sorry to see him go. BUT, he is visiting more sisters and brothers, so, I am happy that his love gets to be spread around. I want to write more about how amazing Chuckie is. How talented, how professional he's become...but, alas, dirty dishes in the sink are calling. For now, just enjoy that wonderful picture.

Home...

Sorry about not posting Christmas pics...I've been having trouble finding time to sort through them all and get them up here...eventually it will happen.

In the meantime...I spend my days trying to figure out where home is. For someone who has grown up all over the place - summers in Norway, switching back and forth from my parents houses from the time I was nine, camping for weeks when I was young - "home" really isn't a place. I have always wanted it to be. Wished for it to be. And I am confident that one day, hopefully soon, it will be.

Home...

a kitchen in NY where two dogs lick up every crumb and I know where to find the spoons and sippy cups

a voicemail from a sibling who just wanted to check in and say hi

conditioner from a sister so my hair can smell like hers

making another sister laugh in front of the fire on an Arizona patio

my dad kissing the top of my head

my brother strumming his guitar and singing about Staten Island

a wet, slobbery kiss from my over zealous five year old

a kitchen where there is always music playing, delicious new things baking, a smile, and a hug

my sentence being finished by someone who must have been a sister in another life

folding Bill's t-shirts (you must know how I feel about folding laundry by now...accompanied by the smell of my love...yeah, that's home, too)

the voice of my mother

the sweet breath of my sleeping baby warm on my cheek

the knowledge of cousins who I haven't seen in years love and miss me as much as I love and miss them

the sun setting on a lake...and the tree...where my heart is...looks on

my down comforter still warm with sleep

a buttered piece of toast with a slice of salami, havarti cheese, and a cucumber

HOME

While you wait

for me to get all my photos from Christmas in NY/NJ up, enjoy this adorable video of Finn with his new vacuum that looks just like mine! Enjoy!

The Zoo and Christmas - Round One - Texas

Yes, I am aware that I have two of the cutest boys around town. I am blessed.

So...zoos....animals in captivity sucks...but we love going there. We love learning about the animals, their habitats, and so forth....a part of me...the part of me that bought a membership so we could go as many times as we like for a year, hopes they put the money towards bettering our world for the amazing creatures we share it with. That said, the four of us had another lovely day amongst the wild. (This is the Dallas Zoo, in case you were wondering.)

This mama lion let me look her right in the eyes for...it had to be a whole minute. I could not believe how small her pupils were...pencil tip tiny. She is amazing.
Just sitting there, soaking up the sun...and probably wondering how tasty we are...

Finny's first pony ride. He hates the horses on the carousel, but the real thing he LOVES! Technically...he IS a cowboy, being born in Texas and all.
Since every one here will be visiting others on the actual Christmas, we had ours early. It was a very fun evening that ended with a horse drawn carriage pulling us through the neighborhood to look at lights. It was even in the 50's or 40's - chilly for Texas!
What holiday table photo would be complete without my diet coke sitting center stage?
Awww, Mommy with her angel boy.
More aaaawwww, Mama with her angel baby.
Did somebody say presents???? Is it a pacifier? oo, oo, please let it be a giant pacifier...
So, I had to pull a couple of strings, jump through hoops with the elves, and really hound Santa with emails, but he agreed to come to our house early so Liam and Finn could open their presents before we left for NY.
Every one was SO SO happy to give Daddy a super duper fly swatter. Seriously. You have no idea. He actually hangs up fly tape....there better not be any more of that!!!!
Pogo stick and new Spider Man helmet - thanks Santa!!!
Here, Mommy, wouldn't you love Liam's old sneaker for Christmas? (And the answer is YES, anything from your sweet little face!)
AAAAAAA, can you stand it???? Matching Santa robes from Grandpa ("in Arizona" as Liam likes to call him) and Krissy. Thanks, guys!!!
The new Scooby Doo DVD was pretty much a hit.
We love driving cars on Liam's head.
Merry Christmas post-it notes! You didn't need those, Mama, did you?
I know, I know. Bill didn't want me to put this up here...at least I kept the full frontal's to myself. But, hot diggity, look at those cute little buns in a snowman hat and snow boots! He's all ready for the chilly northeast!!!

Merry Christmas to all my dear ones!