I guess I'll start with my sisters. I have three.
- My mom had Lauren when I was 16 - she is now 22.
- My stepmom had Alie when I was 20 - she is now 18 and
- Jill when I was 24 - she's now 13.
- (I feel like I should mention that my stepmom also had a son when I was 16 - my dear brother, AJ. AJ was her first and Lauren was my mom's last...and if you are a mom or a parent, you know that means something. I'm not sure I ever let any one hold Liam until after he was 1...so...you know..the dynamic is just different. Okay. Just had to say that...don't want anyone to feel left out.)
- That probably means I should mention Willie...he was born, to my mom, when I was 10 - a little too young for the bigger emotions that I'm about to touch on...but...that's another post! Same goes for Chuckie, my only whole sibling from the first marriage..but GOODNESS, I am getting off topic. I have a lot of siblings. I could draw a diagram, but I want to focus on the sisters for the moment:
Interestingly, they are all coming into or are in that age when they truly begin to pursue and explore love. Love from a companion, a friend, a mentor, and love in their lives for a career or a passion. Naturally, the search for companionship and love in another human being is a driving force, especially budding in the teen years. It's a maddening time, as I remember it...heart-wrenching, etc...And it got me thinking about how lucky I was to have met Bill when I did...but more specifically, how I recognized love when I stumbled upon it.
And that's where one sister plays a role in my love life she could never have imagined...
It starts with Lauren. I was 16 when she was born and even though my mom had a live-in au pair, I spent a LOT of time feeding, diapering, and being with my new baby sister. I never resented my mother when she asked me to pick up Lauren or change her, as I have heard some older siblings sometimes feel...honestly, my mother may not have even asked...I probably volunteered. I wanted so badly to love someone with all my heart at that time in my life and then here comes this perfect little baby; living right down the hall from me. Not mine, so I didn't have to get up for 4 am feedings or worry about child care and all that scary/real grown up stuff, but mine in that I could pour every ounce of love I had into this little baby and she would give it all back in return. This wonderful baby who needed and wanted nothing more than love. (Well food and clothes and all that, but that's where my mom came in...)
The moment I knew what love felt like, what true, deep love felt like, was when Lauren fell asleep in my arms, after being rocked for who knows how long, and I breathed her breath. Her sweet little baby breath. And her heart beat against mine and I knew I would love her forever and ever. Now, at 16, I did NOT know what was happening. I just knew the feeling of her body asleep in my arms, her cheek, sticky with sweat and maybe a little drool stuck to my shoulder, was amazing. A gift. Something to be treasured. Her complete trust of ME. Crazy, irrational, always fighting with my mom teenage Britt. When she was awake and I gave her all of my attention and sweet words, she cooed and smiled right back at me and she taught me, I think, a whole lot of what I know about love. If you give someone everything, you might be lucky enough to get it back. I was lucky - in the midst of a bunch of a-hole teenage boys, I had my sister Lauren, loving me with her whole heart, as I loved her.
Now, before I met Bill, I dated, I did stupid things, I searched for the ONE. I wanted each one of those guys to be THE ONE. (Kind of ridiculous, but hey, that's who I was.) And then one day I met Bill. And the day I knew HE was the one, was a day when he sat close enough to me I could breath his breath. We did not kiss that day. We just sat so close, for such a long, quiet time, and I knew I wanted to share that tiny space, that breath forever and ever. I knew it was love because I had felt it before.
Bill and I met when we were very young - I was 18, he was 19. We had some tumultuous times. But throughout those years I kept getting these little gifts. These amazing little sisters who I could rock and cradle and love. And they reminded me time and again, about how you get what you give. Even though I lived, at times, thousands of miles from them, when I was with them, I gave them all of me. My WHOLE heart. And to this day, they know that. Even Jill. I think. She moved to Arizona when she was 2, so I had the least amount of time to impress my love on her. And even though we aren't as close as I wish we could be (98% because of distance 2% awkward 24 year age difference) I know she knows how much I love her...because I cradled her. Breathed her sweet baby breath as she slept in my arms from time to time....
Ahhh....love....How will my sisters know love? What have their lives shown them? How will they take their experiences and use them to shape their love?
Well, one thing is clear...my friends with daughters: The secret to teaching teenage girls about love: give them a baby that's not really theirs at around 16. Um...good luck with that!
But seriously. No one wants their parents to have a messy divorce when they are a kid...but...after living these 38 years, it's clear that there is something to be gained from every experience. I wouldn't trade my life, the good, the bad, the ugly, the amazing for ANYTHING. Does it all happen for a reason? (As I often say...) Whether it does or doesn't - MAKE it happen for a reason.
And thank you, my baby sisters. Thanks for letting me love you with all my heart...and even though I have babies of my own that I immerse in my love, you all still have my whole heart. (Just not my time...I seem to have lost all of that.)
