I have found that the primary way in which I deal with highly stressful situations is to NOT think about them until they are upon me. Hence, I hadn't been very stressed about Mrs. B's (Papabear's mom's) surgery until the night before when we went to give her hugs and such. Since then, I have kind have been a wreck.
She went in at 7 am yesterday and is in the ICU recovering at the moment. The surgery took over five hours but the doctors reported they were able to get what they believe is "all" of the tumor/mass/growth (it will be biopsied, but they say it is benign). Papabear went to see her after work and said she looks pretty good. She has some facial paralysis, and the doctors are not sure yet if it will be permanent. He also said they only had to shave a very small bit of her head - which in the big scheme of things does not seem important, but you women know that it does make a difference. I haven't been to see her - Littleman is not allowed in the ICU and the hospital is an hour away. I want to give her a hug so bad it hurts. :( I'm sure I'll see her this weekend, either when she's moved into a recovery room or if Papabear and I take turns.
For dinner last night I took Littleman to a chuckie cheese type place called "Peter Piper Pizza." He loves running around wasting tokens, climbing on the indoor play structure, eating pizza, and claiming worthless plastic toys with the meager tickets he wins (oddly, I won the jackpot, again, so he actually made out okay) - Anyway, I thought it would be a good way to distract us since Papabear would not be home for dinner, it seemed like a good idea. While we were there I couldn't smile or laugh. All I wanted to do was cry. I understood this - I was worried and filled with anxiety for Mrs. B. But something much more profound dawned on me. The feeling I was feeling - was VERY familiar to how I felt from about October to December...
Looking back, I am pretty certain that, yes, I was suffering from some mild form of depression because I felt like that every single day for weeks and weeks. Joyless, sad, and anxious - all very NOT-shinesalot type feelings. Last night it felt okay, though, in the sense that I knew it would pass and that it was related to a very specific event. It was a very weird moment, though. I am not used to feeling like that...and I don't want it to come back soon. I feel better today. The knot at the base of my neck is a little less tight than it was yesterday...and my shoulders don't feel like they will snap...hmmm...I sure could use a massage....anyway, now it's time to focus on recovery.
In other news, last night I had the the freakiest dream ever - Papabear's dad came to visit me...and at this moment I am still not sure whether or not ghosts or angels exist. I know it was just a dream...but guys, it was something else...
Littleman has been wonderful. Saying really cute things (in addition to his boobie talk "Mom, your boobies are tickling the baby" - to which he has added lots of "poopie" talk, such as, "Mom, I pooped in your eye.") Cute things include, "I just love fresh grass!" or "Mom, look at those cherry flossoms." (He can't quite say blossoms...he also still says "BOL-cano" instead of volcano...and yeah, he says it with all capital letters.)
Many are convinced I am prego with a girl, due to all the strange cravings/aversions and the fact that I had none with Littleman. I wish I could be so sure. My next ultrasound is in about a month...you all know I'll be happy with whatever I get...it would be nice to mix it up a bit with a girl, though....as much as Littleman wants a brother...I'll just take healthy and be happy with that.
Texas weather is CRAZY in March. We'll have three or four days of 75 to 80 degrees and then three or four days of 37 to 45 degree! That really is crazy. I hope it's nice next week when my mom comes to visit. Thanks to the warm days all the trees are turning green and there are cherry blossoms all over. Very pretty...and lovely when it's not 40 degrees and raining!
Well, I am starving. I'll keep you posted on the Papabear's mom.
fingers crossed and prayers prayed...
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