Nursing

I really didn't think nursing was going to work out for me.  Most of you know that.  For the first month of LittleGuy's life, I was very close to giving up.  A few trusted sources told me to stick it out until six weeks.  I did.  Amazingly, they were right, it did get easier...but I still wasn't sold.  I was dependent on that damn nipple shield and I had very little confidence that my "chest structure" would ever truly be able to feed my child.

However, ten weeks into this nursing relationship with my baby and I'm a done deal.  I love it.  I feel like breastfeeding Finn is one of the most amazing things I have ever done in my entire life.  An accomplishment as much as it is a gift. He practically weaned himself off the shield over a week ago and I can't believe that "they" work - all by themselves!  Well, LittleGuy is bigger and knows what to do now, so that helps A LOT.

I finally feel comletely in tune with the whole experience.  I did not believe people who told me it's easier to breastfeed, but now I know it's true.  And, it is just an amazing thing to be able to nourish your child...just by being alive and eating and drinking and staying near your baby.  Amazing.  My body makes food.  I am a fully functioning kitchen for my baby. Completely mind blowing. Everytime we sit down for a "meal" I am washed in awe.

It really irks me that the nurses in NY did not encourage me more when Littleman was born.  It makes me sad that this experience was lost for him...and me.  I am sad that I'll only get to nurse one baby. I don't feel any less connected to Littleman, plus, I really didn't know what I was missing. (Since I won't be letting LittleGuy sleep in our bed, I feel like the boys are even in "closeness to mommy as a baby" issues).  And I am not saying that every one should nurse - it has to be right for that mom and that baby at that moment.  It really is not easy.  It takes patience and confidence (when you have none) and, most of all, a support system. 

All that said, as much as I love nursing, it is pretty gross.  Milk gets every where.  At times I am literally a geyser.  It completely suppresses my libido and there are a multitude of drugs (ie, birth control) that are forbidden.  I lack grace and tact, so in public I am pretty much a nursing nightmare.  (Thank goodness Littleman is too young to be embarassed by me...and Papabear is working so much, he's usually not with us). And, I know I have complained about this before, but the sheer size that I have to carry around...is really ridiculous.  So, it's not heaven or perfect.  But, it is beautiful.  *I* may not be, but the act is beautiful.  Beautiful and peaceful and almost magical.  I feel completely and utterly content.  I am living my dream. 

I am a mommy of two beautiful boys and wife to a man I love and adore.  If I died today I could say I have everything I ever wanted.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend