Grace of Mother Nature

Ahhh, Mother Nature. My beliefs in a higher power often revolve around her. As a human, I feel connected to the earth and so, Mother Nature is often the "god" I talk to. For example, on Thursday, my 35th birthday, I thanked Mama N for the two zits that appeared on my face, for they were truly the circa 15-year-old-type - painful and ready to burst - and they definitely made me feel more like a teenager than a thirty-something.

And today, she did me a solid. Last night I finally decided to stop nursing Finn completely. We were only nursing once, at 5:30 in the morning, in my bed....and let's face it, that's no way to nurse. I'm not even awake to enjoy it, and his kicking and fussing disrupts Bill's sleep, not to mention mine. Finny doesn't need the nourishment, he just wants a cuddle. And, the worst part is that I let this become a habit - EVERY morning, at 5:30 on the dot, he's up crying. Bill and I, even though we are getting a full night's sleep, have been dragging our butt's all week because Finny has us up at the crack of dawn.

SO, anyway, I realized I had to stop this. It was all me. I know I was just hanging on to that last bit of nursing time....so special and sacred and intimate and lovely and ours: just me and Finn. Sigh. It's hard to let it go, knowing I am not planning more little ones.

This morning, right on cue, Finn started his wailing at 5:30. I let him go and wouldn't you know it, he stopped after only five or ten minutes. The hardest part was at 6:30. He woke up with again and screamed and screamed and screamed. I knew he was fine, that he was mostly angry because I wasn't coming to get him. I didn't really sleep, but I didn't go to him either. I want to start our day at 7, so I waited until then.

Here's where Mother Nature comes in. I grabbed his sippy cup of formula and took him out on the back porch. He sat, curled in my lap, quiet and peaceful, looking out at the pouring rain. And while the steady rain seemed to calm Finn, the grayness matched my feelings perfectly. I felt so sad to not be nursing. I was glad for the rain. I did not want some glorious morning of sunshine and humidity free fresh air. I did not want to celebrate this day of formula and real people food only. So, I thank Mother Nature for her grace on this sort of sad morning.

I am happy to wean him, though. It's natural - the way Mama N intended. But, that does not mean it feels good...at that moment. Laying there in bed, hearing him cry, I knew I could go in there, one last time....but I didn't. I had to be the grown up...and act my age for a change.