Before I became a mother, I sometimes ruined things. Sometimes, I would say the wrong thing and ruin a lovely afternoon or conversation. Sometimes I would ruin clothes because I am a careless eater, I play like a child, and I often get involved with arts and crafts-like-projects. I have ruined meals because I have no sense of what things taste good together or how long or short to cook things. I ruined things sometimes and I still do. But, even when I sensed I was over cooking the asparagus or realizing the salad dressing was NOT going to wash out of my new pants, it never really bothered me. Stuff gets ruined, no big deal.
But, now I am a mother...and there are days...days like today, when I feel like I am just ruining my boy. I'll admit, it was worse when I was a new mom. Every time I did something against the APA (American Pediatrics Association) I was sure I was ruining my baby. It didn't help having a BF who does everything by the book and her little ones are perfect. ;) However, when Littleman turned out okay around his first birthday, that sense of ruin began to fade and only surfaced from time to time.
Now, though, it has begun to surface a bit more than I'd care to admit. I have dragged this little boy all over the country and I am beginning to feel really bad about it. Littleman cried and cried for his daddy today. Oh, did I forget to mention that Littleman and I are in Arizona visiting family for two weeks and Papabear is home studying for the boards? Yes, just two weeks after we settled into our new home we are off again. Well, Littleman also cried for his "new house. Mommy, just take me to the new house. Just take me home. I want to go home." And, the cherry on top, "I miss daddy. Daddy loves me. I miss daddy so much." Okay, Littleman, we'll call daddy, his response, "I'll be so happy. Talk to daddy." My heart is breaking. He had a massive meltdown at a sporting goods store today I felt like such a terrible mother. Not only did Littleman run away from me and hide in the winter coats section while I was paying, I had to drag him out, kicking and screaming and biting. It was awful. Just awful.
Oh wait, I have another cherry to add to my sundae of ruined boy. Tonight, Littleman took over an hour to fall asleep...with me lying beside him singing the same three lullabies over and over. Was his lack of sleep due to being in an unusal bed in an unfamiliar room? Perhaps a little. Was it due to missing his daddy? Yes, a bit of that, too. But the REAL culprit? HBO. A movie, *My Super Ex-Girlfriend,* was left on and Littleman caught the part where she gets her superpowers (by touching a firey hot meteor that blows off her braces and levitates her while she "smokes." As I walked in from putting away laundry, Littleman turned to me and said, "I scared. She hurt. I don't like it." SO, tonight, in between each lullaby this is what my son said to me, "She hurt, mama. Her hand is too hot. It's burning." or "Her teeth hurt, mama. The girl has a boo boo." Aaaahhhh, the joys of motherhood blunders.
One of my brothers tried to put things into perspective for me: "Children all over the world suffer much worse and turn out just fine." Even our own childhood, clouded by an ugly divorce and 14 moves before I left for college turned out fairly okay people. But, all I have ever wanted to be was a good mother and I feel like I am just abyssmal. I know I am not abyssmal every day...but today...ug, I just want to forget about today. I don't want to suck at the most important job of my life.
Clearly, I am suffering from a lack-of-self-esteem moment. Arizona is lovely this time of year, even a bit chilly! Shocking. Tomorrow morning I will start a-fresh by NOT ruining pancakes for Littleman and all of his aunts and uncles who I am staying with!
A mom who cares can never be abysmal. Never.
ReplyDeleteThanks.
ReplyDeleteToday I talked with our bro in law and he got into how impressed he was with how you raised littleman over the past two years and how good he is and how he wishes you would spend time with his littleman just it would impact his devolopment. Your talents are in demand. Just dont spill salad dressing on our littleman, and we should be in good shape.
ReplyDeleteHow is it that we good moms always worry about being terrible moms when we see moms who are clearly terrible and don't bother to worry about it?!? Hope you're having a better day!
ReplyDeleteThanks...things are getting better...it's nice to have a place to vent during those really low points...
ReplyDeleteWord, B, HH to you from AA! You already know everything will be fine w/ LM, right? I'm sure you're giving him the best care possible, and he's a lucky little fella to have you two as parents. You can always smile to yourself and think of the days when you can regale your son with seemingly unbelievable tales of screaming + kicking in department stores.And hey, the world will zoom out of control all around you, that's inevitable. But this is a far cry from an ugly divorce and 14 moves, and I'm sure you'll all survive intact. I'm sure there's a host of APA-endorsed stuff that might not apply to your guy, and only you, as his mother, would know that. Hey APA, I say, every kid's different! Stop with the mandatory Automaton School!An extreme admonition, but whatever. Hope you're feeling better about everything today! (By the way, that sure is a pretty giraffe in the other post. I adore zoos!)
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