To work or not to work...

Is not really an option or a question at this point.

A couple of months ago if you asked me what I thought about going back to work I would have responded with, "Ideally in a couple of years."  Sadly, after the last month with Littleman, I am convinced that I will be a better mom if I am working in a library or professional atmosphere again.  I think I am at my best when I am very, very busy. But, even more sadly, we simply cannot afford for me to stay home anymore.  

Yes, Texas is supposed to be cheaper.  But, traveling multiple times a year to visit family is very costly, even when my parents help me with airfare.  It does not help having this super nice house - Papabear insists it will be a better investment/easier to sell in the long run, so I have to trust in that...but we are slaves to our mortgage...exactly what I had hoped to avoid...ug.  Me and my lack of a spine.  OH, and medical bills.  I hate Texas for this one thing alone.  I am still paying for Finn's birth AND, just when I thought we were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, we get a bill for the emergency room visit in NJ - apparently we have a $1500 deductible for ER visits. Triple ug.  All that said, the bills are piling up and I need to get my butt back on the work wagon.  

It isn't as bad as you think.  I am actually excited about getting back to work.  Getting paid again.  Getting paid means paying off our dumb debt.  It means moving back to NY sooner rather than later.  It means...a lot of things.

This would not bum me out so much if Finn didn't have such severe allergies.  Finding adequate day care is going to be a real challenge...however, finding a job, five months AFTER school districts have posted and hired for the upcoming school year, is proving to be the REAL challenge.

I am an idiot.  Five months ago, though, we were just learning of Finn's allergies and there was no way in the world I could think about going back to work.  A few months later, things seemed so much more manageable.  So here I sit.  School starts in 19 days.  There are currently NO open library positions.  I am applying for all sorts of nonsense...I have no idea if we can even pull off a day care situation if the job is only part time....so, so, so many factors.

And, as much as I want a job, I don't want to be working the first week of school, because Littleman starts kindergarten. I want to be there when he gets off the bus that first day, with hugs and fresh baked cookies (why there has to be fresh baked cookies in all of my visions, I don't know, clearly it will be my demise).  I want to go to the "Welcome Coffee" on that first morning, even though I know it will be just like middle school and I won't fit in with any of the other moms.  I want to be there.  There are bits of this stay-at-home-mom gig that I really like.  Being there is one of them.

But after that first week, I'd like to go back to work, full time.  Making enough money to put Finn in an awesome day care and enough left over to get our affairs in order.  I would like that job to be at Ichabod Crane, back in NY...and since I'm dreaming, I'd like there to be a cleaning lady once a week.  But, I'd be more than happy to check out the school library scene out here...oy.  I am such a dreamer.

If I don't get a job, don't get me wrong.  I will LOVE and embrace every single extra second I get with my little Finny Finn.  And, I have a feeling that things will Littleman will settle once he's exhausted and stimulated from the every day madness that kindergarten is.

I am rambling.  At this moment I have multiple web pages open to online applications and I needed a break.  If any one reading this knows of a job, please get in touch.  I can do a lot of things.  I can even do some of them well!  

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