Modeling

What kind of model are you? Do you model in a room in front of 20 or so children? Do you model behind a desk in a building full of books? Do you model in front of cameras in your underwear? I model. I have a full time career in modeling. I used to get paid for it, when it was in front of a classroom or in a library, but now I'm pro bono.

And let me tell you, it is exhausting. I feel like I am living under a microscope sometimes. At the park yesterday, when I told Liam it was time to go, he frowned and shouted, "Damn!" Now, he did not learn that one from me - that's his dad's modeling (and he was scolded appropriately). But, I see and hear ME coming out of that little boy all day long. From the anal way he lines up his Legos, the way he snaps at me when I ask him to hang up his bath towel, to the nearly ritualistic bedtime routine, that boy is my little parrot.

I am proud when I see the way he hugs his little brother...OR, even better, when, at that same park, Liam said, "HEY! That's my little brother, be nice!" to a boy who knocked Finn over by the swings. I am proud when he emerges from his room in the morning, fully dressed, teeth and hair brushed, ready to face whatever the day brings.

And I sink with shame when I hear him whine in the same way I tend to do or when he curtly responds to one of my friends for no good reason (in a way I respond to him when I am flustered, or in a rush, or just not in the mood).

I know we can't be perfect. That's ridiculous. And it is unnerving to think that our children are watching our every move, taking it all in, processing it. But the truth is, they are. It's exactly why most of have that "oh shit, did I just sound like my mother/father" moment. Inevitably, we inherit the traits and behaviors we were raised with and at some point, hopefully sooner than later, we can put it all into perspective and be the best combination of our parents and ourselves.

For instance, I sure am glad we ate dessert every night when I was a kid. Ha ha. As much as I love dessert, I really wish that hadn't been a part of my childhood. It is ingrained in me and I have ingrained it in my kids. But, I have added reading together every night and that makes me feel good. It's kind of a silly example, but you get the idea.

I needed to write this tonight. Sometimes I am painfully aware that I am my child's most important teacher...and sometimes I plain forget. I don't want to always be living in "modeling-mode", and writing this helps me to figure out a way to balance being the best role model to my boys, the best parent a human can be, and just being me. We are only human...and I'll let you know how it goes with the whole 'balancing' thing.