The bottom of my heart

Usually, on regular days of my life, I feel my heart beating from the top. Little things that Littleman will say or do, the kiss hello or goodbye from Papabear, the piece of dark chocolate I savor after lunch...these things keep my heart beating from a place I imagine is the top - it feels light and even tickles from time to time.  But, at the moment, I am at the bottom.  There is a sadness and a hollowness that thuds at the lower end of my chest.  Papabear's papa is so very weak and I sense can only be hanging on by a thread.  Every one is trying so hard to put on a brave face...I don't have enough hugs. (to give or to get)

Some of my family visited recently and it was wonderful...a wonderful distraction.  They filled every minute with love and hugs for me and Littleman.  I'll post pictures below, because the happy moments get us through the sad ones and it makes me happy to know you guys get to see the happy times here. Would you like me to say happy one more time? Alright. Happy.

I am taking Niacin to help lower my cholesterol (in addition to eating a boatload of salad and oatmeal, no more fun fatty food, and exercising).  Niacin is really just a vitamin, but MAN, does it have some side effects.  The goal is to get up to 1500mg a day...(it can lower all the numbers by as much as 20% over a 6 month period) currently I have been only taking 250 and today I am up-ing it to 500.  WELL...when Papabear told me there would be "flushing" I THOUGHT he meant my already pinky skin would simply turn scarlet for a while. Sadly, I was incorrect...for the most part.  Yes, my skin turns scarlet for about 45 minutes, however, in addition to the color, my skin CRAWLS and BURNS like I am on fire from the inside.  I swear to you that it feels like every french fry I have ever eaten is literally coming back to bite me.  SO, I can't really complain, because I did this to myself.  It is wretched.  The 500mg is pretty strong...I pretty much have to sit very still for almost an hour for it to pass.  I usually do it near bedtime, but I wanted to get it overwith today.  Fun times.

The first picture I will post will be one I took of Littleman at swim class today.  I was able to take it because I NO LONGER need to be in the pool with him!  He is in the big kid, "independent" class.  Yes, I am swelling with pride.  He is doing so well and he loves it so much.  Even though they are expensive, the classes are worth every penny.

 

Swim

Here are Littleman's aunts and uncle from Arizona.  He loves them all, who couldn't?

 

Unclea.ster

 

J.ster

 

A.ster

Below is the little guy and his youngest aunt at the Fort Worth Zoo (an EXCELLENT zoo, by the way, as Littleman and I are quickly becoming experts.  Thus far he has been to the following zoos in his short time here on earth: Phoenix Zoo, Dallas Zoo, Fort Worth Zoo, Staten Island Zoo, Central Park Zoo, The Catskill Game Farm, Cape May Zoo, and the National Zoo in Washington, DC.  That's eight!

 

Zoo2

 

Zoo

Finally, can you believe these two are grandparents??? Technically, one is a "step-grandparent" but still, they are a good looking bunch of family!

 

Gp

 

Carosel

 

Now I will go back to worrying every time the phone rings.  I hope all of you out there are doing well.  Even though my heart is sad, we are, for the most part, doing pretty good. 

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