heavy with it

While I was getting salad at the salad bar, Finn got his hands on Liam's milk that was left within arm's reach. Liam got it out of his hands pretty fast (so he says, I didn't see) and shouted across the restaurant to alert me. There was no way for me to know if he ingested any, so I gave him a dose of benedryl and waited. We go to this same salad bar every week after hip hop class. Two months, same routine. Today, we left in a shower of vomit.

Luckily, the ER-like facility that Bill works at was only a mile down the road. They shot Finny up with benedryl (since he puked out what I gave him) and steroids. After a short observation they let us go home. This is sadly becoming a familiar routine for us. I know what to look for. I can tell if it's going to be a really bad reaction by the way the skin around his lips changes color....now I just creep into his room every hour and make sure he's breathing.

It makes me sick. Bill is worse. Even though he's a medical professional, he is the color of old pavement when Finn is having a reaction. And his nerves are electric - I can feel it across the room. I try to stay calm. Sing to Finn so they can get a pulse/ox reading, keep Liam from jumping off the exam table...all the while I want to vomit and eat a chocolate cake/cheeseburger/pizza combo at the same time. I do neither. I sing, I wipe puke off Finn's cheeks and my sweatshirt.

I try to think of the ocean. Of the shore. In the thick of it, I'm being pounded by the wild waves, afterwards, littered with debris and mess, I wait for the calm of the tide to wash it all away. Feels like my life right now. A messy shore - each day the tide takes a little of the washed up seaweed and driftwood away.

My seaweed and driftwood mess:

My best friend is far, far away and needs me more than ever.

My house needs to be sold.

I need to get that job....I want it so bad I can taste it...and the waiting is its own storm.

My body is...the same mess it's been for years and if I want to live a long, healthy life, I need to steer it to a healthier shore.

And...that's about it. It feels a little better to write that all out. I don't feel so heavy with it after all. Perhaps because I am hungry as I did not get to finish my salad...look, I'm lighter already.