When I was 19 or 20, still in college, my dad offered my brother, CE, and I a ten day vacation on an island in Greece. CE had a wonderful time on the white, sandy shores and I *CHOSE* to stay home and work because the money I made in the summer was all I had to live on during school. It is one of the few choices I have ever made that I truly, truly regret. I was so young..and yet SO damn responsible. Why does hindsight have to be so painfully clear?
So now I am faced with another choice. A few weeks ago, on a whim, I applied for a middle school librarian position at a new middle school opening a few minutes away. I interviewed with the principal yesterday. I find out next week if I make it through to the second round of interviews. Here are some of the issues/choices I am dealing with. (And I am sharing them with you because I WANT your feedback. Ultimately, I will do what I have to do, but if I were within a 25 mile radius, I'd be inviting you over for dinner so I could whine and worry and wonder aloud with you.)
-Money. Is Papabear making enough $ so I can stay home with Littleman? Just barely. We're doing okay, but we are NOT making any significant dents in the debt we accrued while Papabear was in school, nor are we making any significant deposits into any form of savings. If I took this job, (if I get the job) after taxes AND day care, we could put 98% of in savings/debt payoff.
-Littleman. Every time I looked at him the day I got asked to interview, I cried. I have enjoyed being his mommy all day long, every day, SO much. Will he benefit from a structured academic day care environment, yes, probably. But, he has his whole life for that...I feel like I am cheating him. I know he will be fine. I know things will turn out okay - my parents worked my entire life and I never felt cheated or lacking for their love or attention. Ug.
-My goal. To work two years...and be pregnant for the second one so I can quit and stay home with #2. By then Littleman will be in kindergarten...and I can be the mom who reads to the class once a month...or can actually go on a field trip... In two years will I have the strenght/guts to quit? I'm so damn wishy-washy.
-My heart. While I want so badly to have this time with Littleman, I know Papabear is losing sleep (and I mean this quite literally) over our financial situation. I want him to breathe. Yet...I feel like in reality, there will NEVER be enough $, savings, etc. Is there ever? I am happy right now. I have debt, yes. Can I afford to fly back east and visit the friends and family I so sorely miss? No. But, I have my health and a wonderful family..and days of watching my little boy laugh and cry and learn and grow. My heart aches at the thought of missing any more of those moments...and my heart aches at night when I hear my husbands stressed, sleepless sighs.
If I am offered the job, I will probably take it. Just like I chose work over Greece. In two years, will those of you reading this who truly love me, call me and make sure I am quitting to be with my kids?
*A note on interviewing after being professionally employed for the last seven years. UNNERVING. Compared to how I felt at my last interview (right out of grad school and revved up to go) it's a whole new world. I feel over qualified, but I don't want to be cocky or arrogant. And, truth be told...part of me does not want to get the job. What a world.
Now, "tawlk amongst yawselves." I expect feedback.
Hey, how is it going? Ok here. As someone who has done both the stay-at-home thing and the working mom thing, it sounds to me like you want to stay home. When I finally went back to work full-time, kiddos were 4 and 2. And while I was feeling guilty about the whole daycare thing, I SO WANTED to go back to work. Doesn't sound like you are there yet. If I were you I would try and get a part time job somewhere -- a little extra money, and try to do it at times when your hubby or other family members are around so you don't have to do the whole daycare thing. Because once you end up paying daycare you don't end up having much left anyways. Hell, sell pampered chef or something. It just sounds to me like you really don't want to go back to work full-time. That being said, I'd totally understand if you ended up going back! Good luck, and try not to feel guilty whatever you do. HA! Like that's possible.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with Nice on this one... I was totally ready to go back full time before I had the opportunity to do so, and that definitely helps with the mommy-guilt factor... Every mom feels guilty, regardless of how much/little she has to work to make ends meet... Try to find something more part-time at a nice public library, and I am sure that money will help enough while still giving you enough SAHM time... Best of luck, no matter the decision you make...
ReplyDeleteLinda gave me your blog address. I am a good friend of hers and she thought I might have some insight for you. I have 3 kids who are now 20, 18 and 16. I have homeschooled them and always been home with them through the growing up years. Now the older two are in college (still living at home) and the younger is a junior in HS next year. I too have contemplated going back to work to help save up some $ but it is hard because even at this age they need mom. We have some pretty awesome and insightful conversations about life, love, relationships
ReplyDeleteHi Britt:I thought you would like to get my friend's perspective as well as mine. As she said, she has been at at-home Mom all her kid's lives. That was my original plan, and I can honestly say that having to leave my kids and go to work was more heart-breaking for me than the divorce itself. For me it was hard to find someone who was willing to take care of 3 kids, especially over the summer (even if I did have money to pay). Day care costs were out of the question on what I could make, and individual babysitters would last a few weeks, sometimes a few days, then quit. I was thankful, though, that we could be on welfare at least until Becky was 5. Before Patrick left, my favorite motherhood time was when we lived in England. I loved being home all day with Hannah and Becky. Jessie would come off the bus at the and of the school day, wearing her little blue and white plaid uniform, little blond braids swinging as she skipped. When she was in sight, I would routinely yell "JESSIEEEEE," and in her little British accent she would yell, with arms open wide, "MUMMYYYYY!" She would run into my arms, and I would spin her around - Whirly-Bird Style (Do you know what that means?)The tears are falling as I recall those beautiful times. She would come in, eat cookies and drink milk, and learn how to read. I had my old Amway white board on the wall. I would write the word "LOOK" on it - and she learned how to read. I was there for all of their first everythings - and I loved it. Even an abusive relationship was not enough to steal away the joys of motherhood!Maybe they would have been OK in daycare. I know, kids live through it. However, I don't know if I would have. I believe it is awesome that you and Chuckie turned out so well, with two working parents. Many people do, however, in my opinion, there are way too many children who are not doing so well - just take a random virtual walk through My Space. There are financial stresses - there will always be. You have married an AWESOME man who is willing to RISE to the challenge!!! He is one amazing young man, accomplishing what he did in the time he did it!!! He did it for your family!!! HE REALLY IS A HERO - AND, IN MY OPINION, SHOULD BE APPLAUDED AS ONE!! Give him a chance to get his career off the ground on his own. Yes, he will look stressed. But HE can Handle it! That's why God gave him such BIG SHOULDERS!! Trust the man God gave YOU!!Well, Britt, I don't have your new phone number, so I couldn't call you. I really didn't mean this to "Tell you what to do." I will love and respect you no matter which way you go, but it looks like you really do want us all to give you our most heartfelt opinions. I love you and will be praying for you!!
ReplyDeleteI appreciate ALL of your heartfelt opinions, thoughts, AND prayers! I really do. I am still on the fence and I still don't know if I got the middle school job...I really don't have part-time as an option - Papabear works nearly 12 hour days...unless I work Fridays and weekends...I guess it could be a possibility...still chewing on it. Thanks, though.
ReplyDeleteWow, I don't know what happened to the rest of my post; I had said a lot more than what is showing in my post above here... oh well. If you want to talk more, just ask Linda for my personal contact info and I would be happy to share more with you.
ReplyDelete