Kaleidescope

It's amazing how everything around you changes when you tweak your perspective.  While I have been busy hiding my "baby-on-the-brain" syndrome, Papabear has been sinking into a depression.  This happens with him.  It's happened a few times in the 14 years we've been together.  However, this time, the events in the past few months have been so earth shattering I am afraid I can't help him.  And it certainly is the most selfish thing in the world to spring wanting a baby on him.  He knows I want another baby, that wouldn't really be a surprise...but still...as a friend pointed out, he needs to really work through a lot of this before he can embark on yet another life-altering event, such as bringing another person into this world.

Again, I am helpless.  All I can do is be here for him...yet in three days I am getting on a plane for ten days with Littleman and leaving Papabear behind.  I know this is bothering him, even though he doesn't say so.  I promised him that after my trip to Arizona in December we wouldn't travel unless we all went together.  I'm afraid my missing my friends back home and even my mom, overpowered me and I thought ten days wouldn't be so bad.  Of course, this was before we lost uncle Tim AND before Papabear's sister and mother decided to go to Florida for a week (they left this morning).  So, Papabear will be alone.  And he really sinks deeper when he's alone.  His other wife, Z, is arriving for the weekend while I'm gone, so that will help, but I am still worried about Papabear. 

He seems so joyless.  I don't know what will make him happy.  I know Littleman and I form a big chunk of the happiness in his heart, but, he misses music.  It's such a big part of him and there is so little music in his life right now.  Music and friends.  He misses having a beer with the guys he had back East.  Even if they weren't all musicians they were all interested in roughly the same things.  AND, he misses nature.  Not that we were super avid hikers/campers when we lived in NY, but...just having a big back yard to take care of is something I know he misses.  Well...I'm pretty sure he doesn't miss HAVING to mow the lawn on a humid summer Sunday, but...using his chain saw and growing grass...those sorts of things. 

So, while I chug along, ignorantly happy, enjoying every minute with my son and our new friends and life without a full time job, the cloud of my husband's unhappiness hovers nearby.  I continue to try and make our home a clean and comfortable place - his favorite shirts and jeans are always clean and in his dresser when he gets home.  I try to keep the fridge and cupboards stocked with interesting ingredients so he can entertain his creative cooking side.  I try not to nag, I don't ask him to take out the garbage or put the seat down or put his underwear in the hamper instead of beside it...I keep Fat Tires (beer) in the fridge and give him hugs.  I know time will heal all.  Time...I hate how you can't stop it or  hurry it up...but I suppose it wouldn't work then. 

And so I wait for the kaleidescope to turn again...

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