ugly

So, I've calmed down a bit.  The new job is clearly...going to take some time to win me over.  While watching my six "students" (I use quotes because they are 3 and 4 years old and hardly what one could call a student) play on the playground I had some ugly thoughts about myself.  Let me sum up: I love kids, I really do, but I DO NOT love being their teacher.  Their librarian?  The silly lady with the puppets and wacky games about taking care of books? Yes, absolutely, that is ME.  That stuff makes me shine, fills my soul and makes me feel complete.  Being responsible for six children who are not my own...and expected to teach them how to write their names and identify all the letters...and then clean the toilet they have managed to miss by a clear three feet...SO NOT MY BAG.

Could I fill the entire Internet with whining and moaning and groaning? INDEED.  Did I come home and put on a Little Einsteins video instead of playing with my son so I could privately cry my eyes out in my room? Indeed, I am ashamed to admit.  Am I going to suck it up and stick it out a bit longer? Yes.  And I'll try not to complain too much, I mean, after all, it was my own stupid big mouth that got me here.

I want you all to know the conversation I had with Papabear when he called on his way home from work:
P: Why do you sound like you've been crying?

Me: Because I am crying.

P: Why?

Me: I hate my new job.

P: Well, quit.  It's not worth it if it makes you this upset.

I can't tell you how much it helped to hear him say that.  I will stick it out.  The extra money for the holidays will help...and then...well...we'll see...let's just hope I can stick with it.  I've never quit a thing in my life.  Never.  It's hard to even imagine...well, not too hard...resigning from Ichabod was a little like quitting, but not quite.

And finally, I should mention that Littleman LOVES preschool.  He loves his teachers, he loves the few little friends he's making, and he loves the drum they let him march around the room and bang on.  He loves his backpack and learning new songs.  I am so happy he is having so much fun.  He is EXHAUSTED, though.  It's right at naptime and he's been too keyed up the last two days to sleep in the car or when we get home at 3:30. (I'd be happy to let him sleep for an hour...I hope he'll do that after he gets into the routine.  In the meantime, we've been putting him to bed a full hour earlier.)  I have a couple of pics from the first day - when I get over myself I'll post them. 

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